27.10.03
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are four and a half times cooler than Carrie Fisher.
My mate Kev's got this theory. Apparently everything gets cooler as it gets bigger. And no, that's not in direct contravention with the laws of physics because he m eans cool like Fonzi cool, not cool like ice-lolly cool.
Anyway, we went to see Kill Bill, and we thought it was pretty cool. But I said,
"You know what would have made it even cooler? It would have been even cooler if regular sized Uma Thurman ha d been fighting King Kong sized Lucy Liu, and she was hell-bent on eating the empire state building."
And he said, yes it would have been cooler, but that's only because everything gets cooler the bigger it is. He claims the theory is flawless.
"B u t," I said. "What about Master Yoda from Star Wars? Because he's really cool, but he's really small."
"Well," Kev answered, "that's because you can't put Master Yoda into competitions like that because he's so cool he'd just win them all. He transce n ds cool. So it's not fair."
(And he's kinda right. I mean think about it:
Who would you rather be? Master Yoda or Glen Miller? Master Yoda, obviously. Who would win in a fight? Master Yoda or Jean-Claude Van Damm? Answer: Master Yoda. Who w ould you most want to perform your funeral? Master Yoda. Who's got the best hairstyle in the universe? Master Yoda. Who would win the Miss America Competition? Master Yoda.
So he does the decent thing and just doesn't enter.)
"But you do hav e a point," he continued. "That's why things have an inherent coolness value. But that gets bigger the bigger they get. So, like, a boat is cool, but it's not as cool as a boat with guns on it. Unless the boat without guns on it is really, really, really BIG."
Waiting for 45 minutes for a train does strange things to people engaged in conversations such as these.
We tried to quantify the exact amount of cool that would require a doubling in size. In the end Kev decided it was somewhere between 6% and 12%. We settled on 10%. And I'd explain how we decided on that, except if anyone who knows anything about mathematics ever reads this, they'd have a fit.
So just accept it, okay? There's a cool scale that goes from 1 to 250, and you work out the percentage the less cool thing's number needs to increase to reach the cooler thing's number, and then for every ten per cent it gets one time bigger.
So, since I was geekish enough to put this into an equation - you may share:
10(a - b) / b = x and then xc + c = d
This is where -
a = the cooler thing's cool number
b = the less cool thing's cool number
c = the less cool thing's original size
d = the size at which the less cool thing becomes cool er than the more cool thing.
We had some false starts. But finally we struck on the sacred truth around which our entire cool-rating system is based:
"What do I think is really cool?" Kev asked.
"The Ninja Turtles," I said.
"What do I think i s pretty cool?" he asked.
"Carrie Fisher," I said.
"Hmm," he thought.
"Hmm," he said. "Well, I think the Ninja Turtles should be about four and a half times cooler than Carrie Fisher."
The Ninja Turtles are four and a half times cooler than Carrie Fisher.
The Cool Scale (Uncompleted)
5 - Fray Bentos Tinned Pies
7 - My blog
14 - Kev, because he invented it and if he didn't get 14 he was going to throw a fit
26 - General Lee, the Dukes of Hazard Car
38 - Kit, th e Nightrider car
50 - Carrie Fisher
110 - A Fray Bentos Tinned Pie that is about 73 foot wide and four and a half foot deep.
175 - Star Wars (according to Kev, about one Carrie short of the Turtles)
225 - The Teenage Mut ant Ninja T urtles
* - Master Yoda
Astute readers will pick up the following:
A 186 foot tall Carrie Fisher would be cooler than the Ninja Turtles.
A 21 foot tall Nightrider car would be cooler than Carrie Fisher, although this is largely because she'd get lost in t he bucket seats and be unable to find the pedals.
If the entirety of Star Wars were increased by a factor of approximately a third, they could easily out-cool the Turtles. Eight-foot tall Han Solo, anyone?
Small-Print D isclaimer: All definitions o f cool here are arbitrarily decided by Kev. Apparently the only known flaw in the idea is that it has to operate on Kev-Logic-Cool, which is...well...frankly, bizarre. In return, I have to admit that the equations were enti rely my doing, and if I've destroyed his brainchild with my heathen mathematics, I sincerely apologize.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it seems my blog only needs to be 52 foot tall before it eclipses Carrie. I'm off to rent a billboard...
My mate Kev's got this theory. Apparently everything gets cooler as it gets bigger. And no, that's not in direct contravention with the laws of physics because he m eans cool like Fonzi cool, not cool like ice-lolly cool.
Anyway, we went to see Kill Bill, and we thought it was pretty cool. But I said,
"You know what would have made it even cooler? It would have been even cooler if regular sized Uma Thurman ha d been fighting King Kong sized Lucy Liu, and she was hell-bent on eating the empire state building."
And he said, yes it would have been cooler, but that's only because everything gets cooler the bigger it is. He claims the theory is flawless.
"B u t," I said. "What about Master Yoda from Star Wars? Because he's really cool, but he's really small."
"Well," Kev answered, "that's because you can't put Master Yoda into competitions like that because he's so cool he'd just win them all. He transce n ds cool. So it's not fair."
(And he's kinda right. I mean think about it:
Who would you rather be? Master Yoda or Glen Miller? Master Yoda, obviously. Who would win in a fight? Master Yoda or Jean-Claude Van Damm? Answer: Master Yoda. Who w ould you most want to perform your funeral? Master Yoda. Who's got the best hairstyle in the universe? Master Yoda. Who would win the Miss America Competition? Master Yoda.
So he does the decent thing and just doesn't enter.)
"But you do hav e a point," he continued. "That's why things have an inherent coolness value. But that gets bigger the bigger they get. So, like, a boat is cool, but it's not as cool as a boat with guns on it. Unless the boat without guns on it is really, really, really BIG."
Waiting for 45 minutes for a train does strange things to people engaged in conversations such as these.
We tried to quantify the exact amount of cool that would require a doubling in size. In the end Kev decided it was somewhere between 6% and 12%. We settled on 10%. And I'd explain how we decided on that, except if anyone who knows anything about mathematics ever reads this, they'd have a fit.
So just accept it, okay? There's a cool scale that goes from 1 to 250, and you work out the percentage the less cool thing's number needs to increase to reach the cooler thing's number, and then for every ten per cent it gets one time bigger.
So, since I was geekish enough to put this into an equation - you may share:
10(a - b) / b = x and then xc + c = d
This is where -
a = the cooler thing's cool number
b = the less cool thing's cool number
c = the less cool thing's original size
d = the size at which the less cool thing becomes cool er than the more cool thing.
We had some false starts. But finally we struck on the sacred truth around which our entire cool-rating system is based:
"What do I think is really cool?" Kev asked.
"The Ninja Turtles," I said.
"What do I think i s pretty cool?" he asked.
"Carrie Fisher," I said.
"Hmm," he thought.
"Hmm," he said. "Well, I think the Ninja Turtles should be about four and a half times cooler than Carrie Fisher."
The Ninja Turtles are four and a half times cooler than Carrie Fisher.
The Cool Scale (Uncompleted)
5 - Fray Bentos Tinned Pies
7 - My blog
14 - Kev, because he invented it and if he didn't get 14 he was going to throw a fit
26 - General Lee, the Dukes of Hazard Car
38 - Kit, th e Nightrider car
50 - Carrie Fisher
110 - A Fray Bentos Tinned Pie that is about 73 foot wide and four and a half foot deep.
175 - Star Wars (according to Kev, about one Carrie short of the Turtles)
225 - The Teenage Mut ant Ninja T urtles
* - Master Yoda
Astute readers will pick up the following:
A 186 foot tall Carrie Fisher would be cooler than the Ninja Turtles.
A 21 foot tall Nightrider car would be cooler than Carrie Fisher, although this is largely because she'd get lost in t he bucket seats and be unable to find the pedals.
If the entirety of Star Wars were increased by a factor of approximately a third, they could easily out-cool the Turtles. Eight-foot tall Han Solo, anyone?
Small-Print D isclaimer: All definitions o f cool here are arbitrarily decided by Kev. Apparently the only known flaw in the idea is that it has to operate on Kev-Logic-Cool, which is...well...frankly, bizarre. In return, I have to admit that the equations were enti rely my doing, and if I've destroyed his brainchild with my heathen mathematics, I sincerely apologize.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it seems my blog only needs to be 52 foot tall before it eclipses Carrie. I'm off to rent a billboard...
